Service

"I can say to you, my brothers and sisters, the happiest people in this world are those who love their neighbors as themselves and manifest their appreciation of God's blessings by their conduct in life."
--George Albert Smith, Our Heritage, 114

"Each day, look for ways to gladden hearts, to say kind words, to perform labors for others that they cannot do for themselves, to share the gospel. Be receptive to the whisperings of the Spirit prompting you to serve. You will find that the true key to happiness is to labor for the happiness of others."
--True to the Faith, 162

"Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ."
--Galatians 6:2

"None of us should become so busy in our formal church assignments that there is no room left for quiet Christian service to our neighbors"
--Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball, 87

Thanks to all those who have served me lately, in whatever manner. You have brightened my day and reminded me how wonderful life really is. Also, thank you to those of you who have allowed me the privilege of serving you recently. Helping you out has reminded me how many wonderful friends and family I have.

Isn't service great?

Dating: The Feminine Viewpoint

(Warning: The following blog post is extremely lengthy. I will not be offended if you skim it, or don't read it at all.)

Recently a friend of mine wrote an interesting blog post regarding some of his frustrations with the challenges of dating. That blog post got me thinking about why exactly dating is so tough. I know personally I have a love-hate relationship with dating. It’s one of the hardest things in the world for me, and at the same time, I desperately want to succeed and find that special someone. So why is dating such a mystery for both sexes? Why is it such a difficult process? I don’t pretend to be a psychologist, relationship counselor, or bishop, but I do have some thoughts I would like to share. I hope it helps my guy friends to understand how girls feel about dating, and my girl friends to think about what we could do better as females during the dating process.
(Disclaimer: I know not every girl will agree with what I’m going to say. I don’t know the minds of every girl. These are just my personal thoughts on dating from a female viewpoint. Take them as you will.)

Why is dating so hard?

I’m pretty sure that everyone that is single or has been single at some point has considered this question more than once. I think there are several factors that make dating difficult.
First, it’s risky. Dating involves other people. You risk hurting them, you risk getting hurt. It’s never pleasant to have to put yourself forward like that. But, it’s necessary.
Second, because it’s worth it. When was anything easy that was really worth it? Missions, school, learning a new talent, finding a good job . . . I could go on forever. All those things are tough. There were times on my mission that I wanted to just give up. But I didn’t. I knew that despite all the slammed doors, the extreme temperatures, the scary dogs, it was worth it. Dating is the same way. Working and struggling and going through pain to find your eternal spouse will make you value that relationship more. Not only that, but it will help prepare you to be a better spouse. I know I have learned things from my dating struggles that I couldn’t have learned any other way. I didn’t always enjoy the experience at the time, but I am eternally grateful that I was taught those lessons. They have changed the person that I am.
Third, dating is hard because we struggle to communicate. Communication is key to successful relationships. If we can’t communicate with someone we are dating, how can we expect to communicate well with them as a spouse? But, if we do communicate well, I think that could solve a large portion of the dating struggles we experience.

So, why don’t we communicate well?

I think a big portion of the reason we communicate poorly while dating is fear. This fear can take many different shapes. Maybe you’re afraid of being rejected . . . or of having to reject someone. Maybe you have personal issues that you’re afraid the other person won’t understand (like struggling with depression, or being afraid of physical touch, etc.) Maybe you’re afraid that if you end a relationship, you’ll never find another one. Or, maybe you’re just afraid because you don’t know quite what to say. All of these fears are valid, but they need to be faced. Otherwise you’ll never be able to communicate successfully.
Another reason for poor communication is attempting to be subtle. I have to blame my own gender mostly for this one. At the risk of stereotyping, I will say that over the years I have learned that in general, guys do not do subtle. Period. Lots of times a girl thinks she’s being subtle, when in reality a guy is missing it altogether. So don’t waste time on it. Be blunt. Guys prefer it that way. (So, I think, do most girls if they really think about it.)
Another reason for poor communication is failure to consider the other person’s viewpoint. Dating is a very emotional activity. I think oftentimes we get so caught up in our own woes that we forget to think what it’s like for the person we are dating. It’s easy to do, but it’s something that we all could improve on (myself included). For that reason, I’m grateful for my friend Jonathan’s blog post. It reminded me just how hard it is to be a guy in the dating scene—something I think I forget too often.
For girls especially, I think another reason dating is hard is because we don’t always know exactly what we want. Guys complain that we are confusing. I would wholeheartedly agree. I confuse myself all the time! How can I not be confusing to a guy when I’m not sure I understand what I’m feeling?
Finally, I think an important reason that we don’t communicate is that we are lazy. We want the other person to do all the work, so we can sit and put as little effort in as possible. I know I have been guilty of this sentiment in the past . . . and it got me into a big mess. I had a time when I was going on dates with a young man. We had been going on dates for almost a semester and I was finally getting to the point that I thought I might be ready to exclusively date this young man. The problem was, I didn’t know what he wanted. We had cuddled and held hands a couple of times, but I kept waiting for him to ask me to be his girlfriend . . . and he never did. I got confused and stopped holding hands . . . but I kept going on dates and waiting for him to say something. Then things got more confusing. Another young man asked me out. I didn’t know whether to say I was dating someone or not. I wasn’t sure if it would be worse to assume we were exclusive (and thereby set rumors racing through the whole ward) or to assume that we weren’t . I decided the latter would be safer, and I accepted the date from the second young man. Suffice it to say, the first guy did not speak, the second guy kept asking me out, and I finally had to get up my nerve and ask the first guy what he thought. It turned out the first young man had thought we were exclusive the whole time, while I had assumed we were not. I had to backtrack from the first relationship, and things became much more muddled than they would have if I had simply talked to the first guy sooner.

With that in mind, I would like to switch gears now and discuss some of the difficulties of being a female in the dating scene. I’m hoping in particular, this will enlighten some of my guy friends into what it’s like for us girls.

Female Difficulties with Dating

1. Not as much choice. Girls can’t just ask out whoever they want. Sure, a girl could ask out a guy once in a while, but if she were to ask him out every week and pursue, he’d think she was weird. It’s socially taboo. That makes it hard because she has to wait and hope the right guy will ask her out- the one she wants to go out with—instead of the geek that has been eyeing her all semester. It’s true there are things we can do to attract attention, but that doesn’t always mean we’ll get asked out. This can be really frustrating.

2. Not wanting to hurt people’s feelings. I know guys hate to hear this excuse, but try looking at it from a girl’s perspective. What if the guy gets rejected a lot? Wouldn’t it be nice to let him have one date, at least, and not feel like a total loser? If I were a guy that got constantly rejected, I think I would appreciate that. Or, what if the guy spent a lot of time and effort planning the date? Wouldn’t it be rude to totally blow him off? Finally, does it really hurt that much to try one date with someone you’re not super-interested in? I think usually not. I tend to give at least one free date before I make a judgment call. Maybe guys would disagree with me, but I figure I can at least do that much to be gracious. Unless he’s just a creep. Then I would have to refuse.

3. Dating multiple people. This has always been a tough one for me to explain to guy friends. Sometimes girls go on dates with multiple guys at once. I have been accused of being a player before because I do this, but as long as none of them think we are exclusive, I don’t see a problem with it. We don’t have the luxury of picking one person to date until we’re not interested, then just move on. What if multiple boys ask a girl out at once? Is she supposed to turn all but one down just because he wants her sole attention? What if she really wants to get to know some of the other boys, too? Look at it this way. Suppose you were going to buy a new car. You might go to a lot of car lots and check out a lot of cars, and then come down with a narrowed-down list of possibilities. Then, you might take of those possibilities out on a test drive and narrow down some more. Probably you would repeat that process several times before you narrowed down all the way to one car. Would it make sense to just test drive one car over and over and then move on to another car? Sometimes the best way to find out what you like is to test drive multiple cars and compare different features. I think dating, for girls especially, is a lot the same way. I hope that doesn’t offend my male readers—obviously comparisons between car buying and dating are only valid to a certain point. But, I think the principle is the same. Sometimes it takes time to narrow down between choices. This can be hard to do, so try to be understanding.

4. Physical touch (i.e. hand-holding, cuddling). I don’t think this one is limited to girls only, but it’s one of my personal pet peeves with regard to dating. Not that physical touch is bad. It’s just so ambiguous. If a girl and guy hold hands, are they dating exclusively? What if they cuddle? Physical touch means a lot of things to different people. My story above about waiting to communicate about physicalness shows my point. Don’t assume until you’ve discussed physicalness with the person you’re dating. IT may not mean the same thing to her.

So, now that I’ve hashed and re-hashed the difficulties of dating, what can we do to change? How can we make dating a more enjoyable process? Here are a few of my thoughts on what individuals of each gender can do.

What Girls Can Do Better

1. Communicate! If you don’t want to go out, tell him! If you’re not sure how you feel, let him know that. If you need to slow down, speed up, etc., talk to him! Guys can’t know what we’re thinking unless we let them.

2. Don’t be afraid to say no. If you really don’t want to go out, JUST SAY NO! It’ll save you from awkward scenes in the end, and he will be grateful you didn’t waste his time or money unnecessarily.

3. Ask guys out once in a while. Granted, we get funny looks if we try to do all the asking out. But, that doesn’t mean we can’t ask them out every now and then. Most guys I know really appreciate that kind of thought.

4. Work on letting guys know you are interested. Not by “subtle” tactics. Remember, guys don’t do subtle. If you like a guy, take him cookies, make a point of talking to him, separate yourself from the “pack” once in a while so he can talk to you, ask him out, etc. A guy can’t know you’re interested in him if you don’t ever show it.

5. Don’t be whiny! Pity-parties don’t help you get more dates, and they don’t make you more attractive. Guys don’t want to hear you whining about how they should ask you out, and girls don’t want to hear you whine about how you never get asked out. Focus on what you can do to be a better date, and then don’t stress. Enjoy other things and don’t obsess over dating. That won’t help it come any faster.

What Guys Can Do Better

1. Communicate! I frequently hear guy friends complain that they don’t know what we’re thinking, or if we’re interested. If you don’t know, ASK! If you’re frustrated that a girl is going out with you, but not saying anything, ASK! You’ll never know what’s going on if you don’t. I promise if you talk, it will save you a LOT of frustration in the end.

2. Don’t ask us out at the last minute. The exception to this is if your date fell through at the last minute and you need to find someone else. Otherwise, girls like to know that you care enough to give them some prior warning. After all, we have schedules and social lives too. And, we would like enough time to be able to dress up and make ourselves look nice for you. So, be courteous enough to give us that time.

3. Choices are good. We like having a say in what’s going on. But, if you’re going to ask us what we would like to do, ask AHEAD OF TIME! No girl likes being put on the spot. Usually, though, we’ll be happy to pick something if you ask us ahead of time. It helps, too, if you give us a few choices to pick from, rather than asking “what do you want to do?” It’s less stressful that way.

4. Be aware that it’s risky going for the girl that always has 5 guys after her at once. That doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t ask her out, but be aware that you’ll have more competition to fight with. And if she does reject you, remember, there are lots of other fish in the sea!

5. Ask girls out that don’t get asked out very often. I don’t mean that you have to keep asking a girl out if you are really not interested in her, but try asking out someone that maybe wouldn’t be your first choice. You might be surprised, and even if you’re not, you might just make her day.

6. Don’t push us faster than we feel comfortable. That is one of the quickest ways I know to turn a girl off. Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t ask a girl how she’s feeling if you’re confused, but be understanding if she needs more time. Everyone goes at different paces and some of us just need more time to make decisions.

7. Don’t be whiny! No one wants to hear you whine about how annoying girls are to date. It’s okay to be frustrated and even to vent that in appropriate ways, but consider your audience and control your venting. Learn from your mistakes, move on, and don’t let dating consume you.

I know this has been a very long and probably very boring blog post, but I really wanted to put down my thoughts as I read Jonathan’s blog. I hope they give you a little better insight into me and the crazy word of dating.