The Top Ten Reasons for Promoting P.D.A.

Throughout my life, I have never been able to tolerate P.D.A. very well. To put it mildly.

Now don't get me wrong-- I'm not bothered by a husband and wife having a quick kiss goodbye as he drops her off for school. What I am bothered by is individuals that think they need to choose the middle of campus (or other equally public areas) to drool down each others' throats. That kind of passionate embrace should be saved for private time in a bedroom (if married) or equally uninbtrusive place.

So, it's no wonder that when my high-school A.P. English teacher assigned us to create a satire, I immediately thought of P.D.A. For years that satire got sucked into a vortex of old computer files and papers and I thought it was gone for good. However, I recently stumbled upon it anew, and I couldn't resist sharing it with all of you:

The Top Ten Reasons for Promoting P.D.A.* Worldwide


1. P.D.A. reduces global warming. As kissing couples rarely breathe, CO2 emissions are drastically reduced!

2. P.D.A. prevents drug use. Teenagers that are kissing aren’t smoking, drinking, sniffing, or chewing.

3. P.D.A. is an ecological boost to the economy because it conserves energy. Clinging couples wrapped in vice-like embraces need no external heat source. They keep each other warm.

4. P.D.A. brings peace and joy to the world. No known declarations of war have been issued during the middle of passionate, tonsil-cleaning kisses

5. P.D.A. reduces crime. IT keeps teenagers off the streets, giving them something worthwhile to do besides getting involved in gangs.

6. P.D.A. is educational. Participants receive deep lessons on sharing: saliva, germs, disease, bad breath, B.O., and sweat.

7. P.D.A. increases intimacy. After kissing for 2 weeks, couples become familiar, even down to the last cavity.

8. P.D.A. promotes service. One good kiss deserves another!

9. P.D.A. reduces population density. Entwined couples require 50% less standing space.

10. P.D.A. even promotes dental hygiene. It removes plaque in a healthy, safe, and pleasant manner.





*P.D.A. is the acronym for “public display of adultery . . . uh, I mean affection.”