Dear Editor . . .

As a busy student, I often find myself in need of a quick break from my hectic school and work schedules. During these breaks, I have different things I do to relax—check my email; listen to music; or sometimes, read the Daily Universe. In particular, I always look forward to the letters to the editor—there’s nothing more humorous than a bunch of outraged eighteen-year-olds disparaging the same school they begged to be admitted to a few months ago. A shining example was this letter I discovered a couple of weeks ago:

In response to the Sept. 24 opinion
piece and resulting debate regarding
the length of the cheerleaders’ skirts,
I have a suggestion: Stop thinking
you are more righteous than the
cheerleaders because you don’t have
nice enough legs to wear skirts that
short. They’re just doing their part to
help the team.
I would call to your remembrance
the episode of “Saved by the Bell”
(season 1, episode 16, “Save that
Tiger”) where Jessie wants the squad
to wear ankle-length cheerleading
skirts. For what should be obvious
reasons, this idea didn’t fly, and they
returned to the traditional uniforms,
which included short skirts. Naturally,
the team won. The moral of the
story here: modesty doesn’t win, and
if we want our football team to get
into a BCS bowl, we should support
the cheerleaders’ short skirts and
sleeveless tops. In fact, the shorter
the better. Maybe if we took another
inch off the skirts we could climb a
few more spots in the rankings. You
can’t say that wouldn’t be worth it.

Upon unearthing this gem, it occurred to me that perhaps we overemphasize the importance of good writing. Clearly it doesn’t take genius to write a letter to the editor. In fact, it’s such a commonplace occurrence that I think I need to follow the fad. And so I present a letter to the editor:

Dear Editor,

I read this week’s letters to the editor and I was so outraged I just HAD to write in and express my feelings. I am insulted that someone would make fun of those people who are courageous enough to write letters to the editor. We should write letters to the editor! Everyone has their first amendment rights. We should be proud of those rights! People have every right to make an idiot of themselves wherever, whenever, and however they want—especially in a forum like the Daily Universe, where we can let the whole world know what we are thinking.

One great thing about letters to the editor is that you don’t have to say anything worthwhile. It’s perfectly acceptable to write all about your own pet peeves. Or, you can just write about whatever comes to your mind—the grass, the flowers, the upcoming election. It’s not like letters are an English assignment—they don’t have to have a point. After all, the point is to get your name in the newspaper, not to make a statement about important issues, right?
As a bonus, letters to the editor don’t even have to have evidence. No one’s going to check your statistics, so why not use Wikipedia, or make them up on the spot. Even better, you could use your favorite T.V. show as a source. After all, isn’t that why they’re called reality shows?

It’s important to keep in mind that there are some (weird) people who actually want to discuss issues in their letters. But, never fear—BYU is our world, so they generally only stick to important topics, like couch discrimination in BYU restrooms.

Finally, letters to the editor are great because you don’t have to think. You just say whatever comes to your mind, even if you’re emotional. Especially if you’re emotional. And then make sure not to proofread it—the natural and unpolished work is always more true to your feelings.

So what are you waiting for? Let’s all go and show our BYU pride by letting the world know why we should have caffeine in the vending machines. Go D.U.!

Sincerely,

Disgruntled